It would have been my mum's birthday today. I did not place flowers at the grave like some did. I may go nearer to Christmas and leave some bright fake flowers. She liked colour, a lot. I find it hard to visit there and don't need to visit to remember. My son and I had to do some shopping together so we sat in BHS café, one of her regular places and shared a hot choc and a plate of chips in her honour.
I wrote these words a while ago and decided to save them for her birthday.
When your mum dies everything is tinged with sadness. You may hear a favourite song, shop in a particular shop or eat a particular food that triggers a memory. You may laugh at a joke and momentarily think that you will share it with her and then you remember.The phone rings and you wonder if it's her, just for a fleeting moment. You miss the shared glance that needs no words but says everything.
It needn't have been a perfect idyllic childhood. It may have had bad patches, tough times, fallings out and failings. But there was always unconditional love and when it goes so does a little of yourself. The deep deep feeling that something has gone for good that will never be replaced.
Life goes on and you are a changed person. Celebrations are missing a vital person and family photos have a space.