Sunday, 28 June 2015

The post I wanted to write

Hello all.

Was just getting back into my blogging groove then last week I just had a week where my spare time was taken up in the garden and also fighting off headaches.
Everything is potted up and thriving in this lovely mix of sunshine and showers. The courgette seem to have a little influx of blackfly so have had a spray of tea tree oil. I've also remembered to feed the plants before they actually flag this year. So here's hoping for a productive time. I have to pass a nursery (plant sort) every time I drive to and from the school. It's a wonderfully calm and peaceful place especially at 8am. I wonder around aimlessly most times but this time I was on a mission. Jasmine. The smell is amazing and I really wanted one, this then led to a stock up of a few herbs that I haven't got. And of course I quick look in the bargain bin. I'm now the proud owner of a dwarf gage tree. All are planted in pots as I feel rather attached to my plants. I dread leaving the crab apple tree, another bargain bin find, it is magnificent and gives wonderful shelter for the birds as they check out the feeders. Oh and don't get me started on leaving my birds and the worry that the people who take over don't feed them.  Thing is I'm no closer to leaving yet, talk about unnecessary worrying.

When I was a carer my mum went into a care home for a while. It actually was 3 months in the end. An awful time that I can barely look back on without feeling the pain of that time. Being a sandwich carer your responsibilities are so split between such differing needs it can make a brain nearly implode. So it was decided I would have a rest. It was not a perfect solution even though the home was one of the best. I would visit all the time and could never settle at the idea of having other people look after her but home became a calmer place for my son and me.
My mum was an amazing person and always did her best in life. The dementia swallows up the person you know but the love never goes. Roles change and that is such a hard hard thing.
It came to a time when I then had to decide whether to make the respite permanent.  I've had some tough decisions but that was near to impossible for me. Leading up to that time my mum became ill and was hospitalised on the day I needed to decide by. Everyone involved held off and waited for us. Ten days later she died. I always feel that was her final gift to me letting me off the hardest decision that I really needed to make.
The timing then and since has always made me ponder. My son was due his music grading exam and he decided not to go so I went to the hospital. My mum died at the time the exam was due. That meant she went with her 3 children by her side and I saw that her end was peaceful and dignified.
Eventually I took a job I was not happy in and would come home and check out jobs. One stood out but payroll was listed so I did not bother. However the job would keep coming back into my mind and eventually I applied. It's the job I am now in and am happy with.

I'm not sure what this post means. I don't think it needs to mean anything really. It's life and we make our own conclusions. It's just what happened and with a mixture of a mother's love and timing I was spared an awful time.

Take care x

12 comments:

  1. Such a lovely thought that your Mum was still looking after you, that's what I like to think. I keep a lot of my plants in pots too, I love the patio filled with herbs and salads.

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  2. Sometimes just putting your thoughts down helps, I for one can connect with this post. Thank you for sharing Hazzy x

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  3. Sometimes just putting your thoughts down helps, I for one can connect with this post. Thank you for sharing Hazzy x

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  4. Sometimes just putting your thoughts down helps, I for one can connect with this post. Thank you for sharing Hazzy x

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  5. I wasn't sure how to comment as I understand what you are saying about your mum. I think she's still helping you and will do so when it's time to move. I too am in a job I no longer enjoy but at the time of taking it, it suited my needs.
    Carolx

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    1. I think I am learning patience especially in the time since my mum died and am learning to listen to myself a bit better instead of rushing ahead. Will you move jobs? I am so glad I applied for the one I have as it was such a close run thing with me not applying. x

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  6. What a thoughtful post, so glad the job is working out for you. xx

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  7. Sorry I only just got to this post Haz. That must have been such a hard time for you. I understand every word you are saying without being able to put it into words but I know you will understand. Like you say you could never accept other people looking after your mum, even though they were good. I can identify with that so much. Mum's are always looking out for us right to the end, I really believe that, so however ill they are, I think deep down they are still there for us too. I think my mum was like that, even though she seemed distant from me sometimes, in the end she was there too. I hope that helps you, because you helped me to think about it too.xxx

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    1. Thanks Rachel I'm glad you got what I was saying as sometimes I know it in my head but it does not quite translate into the post very well. I carried on thinking about it and the links of good timing could go on a fair bit - which is a nice feeling. It helps thanks x

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