Sunday, 3 August 2014

Not waving hello...drowning.

Hi all. Thanks for the follows.

I gave myself a personal challenge, last year, not to sign on. I have no odd qualms about people that do or anything-so no judgment going on here. It was a combination of wanting to be free of a benefit (had been collecting carers allowance) and also the horror stories I had heard about jobseekers since the changes came in. Having watched my mum descend into her dementia fog and then watch her die my nerves were affected and I knew I would not be strong enough for any obstacles. I just wanted to be left alone.

I knew we could survive with drastic cutbacks whilst I got my IT skills up to date and did some voluntary work to plug the CV gap. Interviews have come and gone so we tightened the belts a bit more. The swimming went to doggy paddle to now where we are splashing about. So before we sink I have applied to receive jobseekers benefit. Moneysaving was becoming obsessional and frugal pah... I was becoming mean. Everything we did or ate I was seeing pound signs.
So do I feel relieved? Nope. Stomach clenching nervousness. I hate forms and officialdom with a vengeance. My nirvana is an off grid piece of land with its own source of water and very little intervention from anyone. Minimal bills and minimal hassle.

I know voluntary work is forced at some point and I have a dreadful feeling they won't accept the vol work I have sorted for myself. It is totally relevant to the work I seek you see and looks great on the CV. Also I am fearful of them forcing carers work onto me. I truly am not recovered from caring for my mum. Some people do it effortlessly others not. Make or break a person. Well it damn near broke me and I'm just clawing my way back. I will not let there rules send me back down to that despair and do you know what? They can't. It was a despair that only watching one of your most treasured people dissolve and disintegrate can induce. A permanent feeling of panic that grips the heart and wakes you suddenly from a deep sleep and never lets that sleep return. A feeling that clouds every moment. The silver lining in that ol' cloud has been that I truly understand that health is the be all and end all to everything. I have found a contentedness I never had before although I still strive for better I am more patient (mostly). Its like a bungee cord - I stretched and stretched till I nearly broke and have now sprung back. Currently swinging in the wind ha.
We shall remain frugal and waste conscious. Save where we can and then if they force these issues I shall walk away.

Who knows? This could be the catalyst for a job acceptance. Or for money from writing to start pouring in. x

12 comments:

  1. I totally understand what you are saying. You've held on and so now the only way is up for you. All the best from me.

    Jean x

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  2. Minimal hassle sounds good to me too, if only things were that simple. I hope things go OK with your claiming and surely a job will come up before long.

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  3. I understand fully what your saying. I'm almost crippled with my spine and I do not claim any disability benefits as I couldn't cope with the hoops and stigma they now come attached with.

    Some people do cope easier than others, or is it that it just seems that way? I think everyone is fighting their own personal battle and we are all just managing the best we can.

    I hope you get sorted soon x

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  4. I know people that could not work any harder than they already do, but still have to be really careful with money when buying even food. With an attitude like yours, things will work out.

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  5. Good things will come to good people such as yourself x

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  6. If you find that bit of land, see if there is another nearby for me. I saw one 2 years ago when I was in Ceredigion on holiday but did not stop to look. On the way home the Sold sign was up. I try very hard now to never drive or walk past something interesting.

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  7. A brilliant attitude and one other people should aspire to me dear.....I'm sure life is on the up for you x

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  8. Things will get better, stay strong. Do what is right for you...

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  9. Many years ago when I separated from my then husband I went to see what if any benefits I would be entitled to. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and at the end of it I was 10p over the limit and so wasn't entitled to anything and I had waited 4 hours in what was the labor exchange then to be told this. I came out feeling totally humiliated and swore that it would be an experience never to be repeated. Two years ago my eldest was out of work and you could not convince him to sign on for love nor money he had his last two pay packets from his previous job and he eeked that out to live on until he fortunately got another job. So I can totally understand where you are coming from and hope you get sorted out soon but keep smiling life can only get better.

    Mitzi

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  10. Being 'frugal' is not the same as being 'mean'. Frugality is common sense, being wasteful is criminal. As for your off-grid lifestyle; they catch up with you in other ways. We have to pay an annual woodland tax, and we don't even have any woodland. They'll always find a way to empty your pockets.

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    1. Hi, never claimed frugal and mean to be the same. Frugal is the way forward in my opinion. Will never go back and think the only we can preserve our worlds resources is for everyone to adopt frugality. I just felt I was becoming a little mean in my ways as I usually will share anything. My mistake in wording I'm sure.

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  11. Thanks everyone. Am flipping dreading it I tell ya. But your words are very appreciated. x

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