Not waving hello...drowning.

Hi all. Thanks for the follows.

I gave myself a personal challenge, last year, not to sign on. I have no odd qualms about people that do or anything-so no judgment going on here. It was a combination of wanting to be free of a benefit (had been collecting carers allowance) and also the horror stories I had heard about jobseekers since the changes came in. Having watched my mum descend into her dementia fog and then watch her die my nerves were affected and I knew I would not be strong enough for any obstacles. I just wanted to be left alone.

I knew we could survive with drastic cutbacks whilst I got my IT skills up to date and did some voluntary work to plug the CV gap. Interviews have come and gone so we tightened the belts a bit more. The swimming went to doggy paddle to now where we are splashing about. So before we sink I have applied to receive jobseekers benefit. Moneysaving was becoming obsessional and frugal pah... I was becoming mean. Everything we did or ate I was seeing pound signs.
So do I feel relieved? Nope. Stomach clenching nervousness. I hate forms and officialdom with a vengeance. My nirvana is an off grid piece of land with its own source of water and very little intervention from anyone. Minimal bills and minimal hassle.

I know voluntary work is forced at some point and I have a dreadful feeling they won't accept the vol work I have sorted for myself. It is totally relevant to the work I seek you see and looks great on the CV. Also I am fearful of them forcing carers work onto me. I truly am not recovered from caring for my mum. Some people do it effortlessly others not. Make or break a person. Well it damn near broke me and I'm just clawing my way back. I will not let there rules send me back down to that despair and do you know what? They can't. It was a despair that only watching one of your most treasured people dissolve and disintegrate can induce. A permanent feeling of panic that grips the heart and wakes you suddenly from a deep sleep and never lets that sleep return. A feeling that clouds every moment. The silver lining in that ol' cloud has been that I truly understand that health is the be all and end all to everything. I have found a contentedness I never had before although I still strive for better I am more patient (mostly). Its like a bungee cord - I stretched and stretched till I nearly broke and have now sprung back. Currently swinging in the wind ha.
We shall remain frugal and waste conscious. Save where we can and then if they force these issues I shall walk away.

Who knows? This could be the catalyst for a job acceptance. Or for money from writing to start pouring in. x